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Out of the Fishpond:
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Judi Goodman, LICSW
How much time do you spend being preoccupied with your relationship? Are you anxious around your partner? Do you identify with these statements?
- "I feel like scrambled eggs when his anger comes out of nowhere. I spend days recovering."
- "I get paralyzed. It is so crazy. I get to think that I'm the crazy one."
- "I either get depressed and cry, or I eat and don't think of anything."
- "He is either very good or he is horrible. I feel like I'm living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde."
Are you in a relationship where the rug is always pulled out from under you, yet you hope that things will be better? You may find your own story in the accounts of women who talk about:
- The emotionally abusive relationship as a "fishpond" for women
- What keeps a woman in the fishpond
- What helps her emerge from the fishpond
- The road to a better life
SWIMMING ROUND AND ROUND IN THE FISHPOND: GROWING WEARY
"I slept downstairs because we were fighting. Suddenly, at 5:00 a.m., he comes barging in, furious, and spits at me. I got scared and ran outside to the car. I sat there 'till 8:00 a.m. He comes out in his pajamas and robe, all smiles, and asks me if I want to go out for breakfast."
"I would sit on the bed while he screamed at me, a lot of mornings when he was getting dressed. The kids were still in bed. I was just frozen. The kids wouldn't get up until after he left."
WHAT KEEPS A WOMAN IN THE FISHPOND: A SHATTERED SENSE OF SELF
"He gave me flowers for Valentine's Day in the morning, lovingly, and then in the afternoon, he was screaming that I was a bitch and he would never kiss my grimey ass."
"We had a huge fight in the morning and he was so insulting. I was so hysterical that I poured the remains of the pancake batter over my head. He just left the kitchen and took a shower. He came out and stepped over me with his briefcase in hand and goes out the door to work. I felt so crazy. Then he comes home from work in a great mood and wants to go to a movie. But I was upset and wanted to talk about it. He got enraged and said, 'You're always ready to start a fight; just remember, you're the one starting it.'"
When you live with someone who is emotionally unpredictable, you are always walking on eggshells lest you set him off. You are expected to accommodate to his mood and his view of reality. How you see life and what you want for yourself is reduced to nothing. To others, the emotional abuser may seem entirely different than your own experience of him. You may wonder if YOU are crazy.
STAYING AFLOAT, HAVING HOPE: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
First, recognize what drives his behavior: power and control. For the abuser, it is a winning strategy. Control and intimidation do work. Each "win" further reinforces the pattern. Second, as a woman you have been brought up to be a caretaker. This may make it difficult to identify abuse.
OUT OF THE FISHPOND: TAKING A STAND
"I told him there is no peace in my life because of his temper. 'If this does not change, you have to leave,' I said. I had seen the lawyer. I meant it."
Where does that moment of decision come from? Sometimes it is the awareness of the toll on your child or you that precipitates change. Sometimes it is the chance reading of an article about domestic abuse. It may be as you read this. And sometimes it is just a moment of grace that allows you to see clearly.
At the moment you take a stand, the relationship will not be the same. But you don't know how to do it differently. It is a new feeling that your body does not feel comfortable with yet, as well as your thinking that is new. You need to learn a new embodiment of strength and versatility so that you can move responsively and not reactively. Like every woman who is determined to save her own life, and that of her children, you will need a support system.
THE ROAD TO CHANGE
FIRST FOOT ON LAND: GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF AGAIN
- Fear: Are you scared?
- Socialization: Have you been trained to be an enabler of someone else's bad behavior by your partner or by your family? Are you pulled to mend the relationship even as you tell yourself you need to NOT be placating, out of anxiety?
- Boundaries: Are you aware of how you set boundaries and how he establishes them? Do you have the ability to say "no" and is it heard?
- Who is the boss?: Do you notice that as you are trying to be more independent that you look to your partner for approval for being self-sufficient? It is very subtle and, often, is a surprising realization.
Where there has been abuse of any kind, there has been an invasion of boundaries. Becoming aware of those first moments when you experience a boundary line being crossed is the first step in changing. Despite your dissatisfaction and unhappiness, there is often a deep though ambivalent attachment to your partner. The intensity of your anxiety over the possible separation and loss may shape your behavior. This, paradoxically, keeps the structure of your relationship in place.
THE SECOND FOOT MEETS THE GROUND: GETTING SUPPORT
You have been changed by living in a persistently intimidated state with no voice. Getting support from others will remind you that you are not alone and that you can change your life.
- Build your body so that it is strong enough to meet what you need to do.
- Find people who will support your new thinking and will be a safe place to speak about your experience. There are groups both private and public. [See longer version for a few possibilities.]
- Develop a strategy to restabilize yourself quickly after a hostile interaction.
- Read books by and for women who understand what you have experienced [see books in www.coachingforlife.org].
- Join an interest group to which you could contribute your time, even as you are sorting out things for yourself.
- Work with a coach, therapist, advocate, or group.
DRY LAND: A BETTER LIFE
"I just never thought it could be this way. When I think of how scared I was the first time I came to you. I am so happy."
"We have both changed. When I left home it was the hardest thing I ever did. I could barely tolerate being alone. But I refused to return until he found a group that works with men who control. It has been a long, long journey."
Separating is not the only choice. Nor is staying. The issue is whether you are now willing to accept abusive behavior. Is your partner willing to change? Where are you in your relationship? Relationships can change. Intimacy can happen. Love can come back. But not before abusive behavior stops and with a lot of work. You deserve to have support.
The poet Mary Oliver, in "The Summer Day," asks us all, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" This is your wild and precious life. What will you do?
Please email jgoodman@coachingforlife.org for a complete copy of this article. Or call Judi Goodman 781-862-3699.
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