Dear Abby,

     Run, don't walk, away from this guy. You are as likely to get assaulted by him as not. It sounds like he can escalate very quickly. Now, having said that—let's think of another plan, because I know that you must have thought of this, too, and decided not to or couldn't. First,—in some way, the two of you are in a dance together and you are moving according to his steps. Your whole behavior, if you look, is being shaped by his dominance and erratic controlling tantrums. When you say he apologizes and then blames you—that is the dance of abuse. You made him do it. You did NOT. No matter WHAT you did it is HE who was abusive.

     So—how would it be if you worked on yourself, because you are the only one who can change. You cannot change him. But if you did this, you would feel empowered and feel like you could choose. You are not able to set good boundaries. Think of your relationship as an addiction to the dance. I say this because anyone who has been the butt of such verbal abuse and out-of-control behavior, screaming and cursing, would have broken off long ago. But you have had trouble doing this. You let him behave like this without consequences and then you wait for the good times. This is not a relationship for safety, emotional or physical.

     Find a counselor who is experienced in working with abuse. This is critical. You can call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 800-799-7233, and they will tell you where the nearest agency is to where you live. You deserve to be treated better. It does not help to try to please someone whose aim is to control you.

Judi